Delight or disgust. That’s it. That’s what Marie’s brain is trying to determine 5-6 times per second when she sees my face. The same is true of my kids and everyone we come in contact with. Are we delighted to see them or disgusted by their presence? There is no middle ground.
Think of the key relationships in your life. When you enter the door, do they know you are unhappy, anticipate your displeasure with them, or do perhaps you have a sense of being in trouble before a word is said?
This dynamic plays out repeatedly and can determine the quality of our interactions before we even realize what is happening. Contempt and disappointment are both interpreted as disgust by our brains which has a very powerful, gut wrenching effect.
Maybe you think that your significant other only shows affection when they want something from you like sex or permission to go shopping. Potential delightful exchanges are automatically rejected due to this judgement. Or perhaps there is a long list of unkept agreements or unmet expectations that brings fear of continued disappointment so giving a cold shoulder seems honest. These interactions register as disgust in our brains which triggers a sense of repulsiveness driving us apart and discouraging connection.
The good news is that we can rewire our brains to default to delight. This means intentionally choosing to be glad to see others and to express that gladness through your face. We do not pretend to be delighted. We choose to be. This means that when my wife, Marie, comes home and notices that I neglected to put the trash out on the curb in time for pickup day, she chooses to be delighted first, and then the conversation about any unmet expectations happens on a foundation of delight.
First, we must do this with God, our Father, who has so much love for us, that he sent his one and only son to die on our behalf. Much like the scene where God delighted in Jesus, with whom he was well pleased. Having a practice of sitting in God‘s delight without any preconditions is the single most important thing we can do. Biblical joy is relational joy.
Second, I recommend coming to an agreement with the key people in your life to practice mutual unconditional delight. This has been a game-changer for our marriage. Marie and I agree to do our best to delight in each other’s presence during our initial interactions, like upon waking up or arriving home. No matter what! This is a continual challenge that takes commitment and intentionality. We now find ourselves delighting in each other throughout the day, naturally. We can be unedited and our true selves. This freedom leads to a joy-filled marriage and environment within our home. Our conflicts have become less frequent, and the time from rupture to repair has shortened.
Third, take this practice to your other spheres of influence. Your kids, your workplace, and your closest associates. These people won’t know that you’re being intentional about the practice of delight, but you will be a catalyst for culture change within your sphere. Delighting in others will come more naturally, and you might even forget that you once had to work hard at it.
Take these three steps, and you’ll begin to retrain your brain to run on relational joy. Not only will you find yourself happier and your relationships strengthened, but the fuel you use to motivate yourself will change from fear to joy. This not only enhances our own well-being but also has the power to transform the quality of our interactions and the world around us. So, the next time you see someone, remember the power of your choice – delight or disgust – and choose delight to cultivate relational joy.
“May the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
