Anatomy of a Conflict

Buzz, buzz, buzz. The text notification began alerting me and my stomach automatically dropped.

"I'm home"

"And a bit disapointed"

"The house is a mess. There are dead flies everywhere. Our child is watching crap on TV. I just paid 265 dollars to have the house cleaned because I didn't want to have to come home and clean before your mom came to visit!"

Cringe worthy, right? You probably already can guess how the rest of the evening went just by this text exchange. It was not the Beck families’ finest hour, but we did recover, and perhaps you can benefit by digging into the dynamics behind our display of “what not to do.”

My wife, Marie, and son Cooper were coming home from a whirlwind road trip to visit Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma, just a day before my planned 40th birthday party. My mother and sister were coming from out of town and planning on staying with us. We had cleaners come on Thursday, hoping to have the house clean for our guests on Sunday.

Marie appreciates coming home to a clean house. I know this from our 17 years of marriage. This is especially true when we have company visiting. I knew this and did not do what was necessary. Instead, I read a book, helped with load-in at church, asked our 15-year-old daughter to tidy up the house, towed a friend’s car, and went to the golf course. Guess where I was when Marie came home to a dirty house and checked my location on GPS?

What is your gut reaction to seeing “ I am home. And a bit disappointed”? As you can see by my reply, it wasn’t apologetic or guilt and remorse. It was defensiveness and self-justified. Please do not tell your significant other to “sit down and take a breath.” It will not go well.

Upon returning home, I was still stuck in this mode. I told Marie about my generous help with church load-in and towing. I also shifted the blame to our daughter for not tidying up the house as I had asked. None of these interactions went well, and the emotional state of our house descended further into chaos. At one point, I chided Marie, “Was your disappointment worth it?” blaming her for the tangible exasperation.

That I am still alive is evidence that she is a Holy Spirit-filled fruit-bearing human.

The book Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger Institute shows that the root of interpersonal conflict is when we know we should do something for someone else and ignore that feeling. This is defined as “self-betrayal.” Instead of following my gut and ensuring a clean house, I did what served my wants and desires.

When met with disappointment, I didn’t apologize or own my decisions; I justified my choices and blamed everyone else. To make myself look good, I had to make others seem bad. I was self-deceived, not living in an accurate representation of reality in my relationships.

One way we can know we are self-deceived is if we are operating within the identities of the drama triangle. When we find ourselves in any of the roles within the triangle, someone else gets put in a corresponding part.

[Drama Triangle]

During our conflict, I bounced between playing the victim and hero while putting Marie and our daughter in the villain role. When we villainize people, they become our enemies, and we seek to outsource our guilt or shame by blaming them. The role of the hero seems like a good identity to assume, especially to our ego, but it is just as unhealthy and unhelpful as the other two. It is only acceptable to take on the hero role (also known as savior) when another person is powerless and actually needs saving. Whenever we find ourselves in any of the roles within the triangle, it indicates that the relationship is unhealthy.

When first introduced to the drama triangle and self-deception, I felt dumbfounded and stuck. How can we avoid operating in self-deception and the drama triangle in our relationships?

Taking healthy responsibility means evaluating your role within each scenario, taking the appropriate level of ownership for your decisions, and letting others hold the proper levels of accountability for theirs.

Acting with others’ best interest means following your gut and taking action instead of making excuses. Seeing others as people, not problems, and avoiding reactivity to their choices, actions, or inaction.

We arrive in our relationships with our own story of how conflict was handled (or not handled) in our families of origin, along with plenty of other internal issues that influence our reactions to any situation. Curt Thompson explains attachment styles, traumatic events, and many different factors in the book Anatomy of the Soul. He also shares that 80 % of conflicts in marriage are caused by issues predating the couple's meeting.

No matter which attachment style we begin with, we aim to achieve earned, secure attachment. This means that when conflict occurs, there is a mutually assured expectation that repair will occur. It includes speaking the truth about the past to open up possibilities for a different future, like the practice of confession and repentance. There is no wondering whether true forgiveness will be offered. Repair mirrors what God gave through faith in Christ’s death and resurrection— in that forgiveness is made complete, and absolutely nothing is beyond repair.

Marie and I did not begin our relationship with tools for handling conflict. We tended to avoid conflict and harbor resentment. Without the relational skills to deal with conflict it was better to internalize hurt and disappointment. We found ourselves full of pain and contempt. We had to learn what actual repair was and start practicing it. Eventually we began to trust that repair would happen and gained earned secure attachment.

We will continue to have conflict because we are imperfect humans living in a broken world. However, with some self-awareness and a steadfast willingness to repair, conflict is no longer something to avoid; instead, it is an opportunity to extend grace and can increase intimacy and strengthen relationships.'